Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, February 3
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Thank you John !
Thank you Eddie!

Yesterday's eye exam sure messed up my vision, and all I got
out of it is yet another referal to an even farther distant specialist.
I am sure glad, that Barb was doing the driving. The way they
poured that stuff into my eyes, I never would have been able to
drive back against the setting sun.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



"Virgin Airlines announced that their new giant double-decker   
airplane has a private bar. It's a private bar? Is there a   
big problem with passengers from other planes stopping in for   
a drink?" 
--- Jay Leno   

"A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms   
for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms."   
--- Craig Ferguson

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
--- Henny Youngman
--------Yes, they do!
          April 1



Another excuse for a student's being late for school:

Arnie came into the office looking somewhat tired and
bedraggled, but anxious to explain his nearly one hour
tardiness.

"Our chickens have been disappearing." He said.
"And Pa made up his mind to put a stop to it. But
nothing happened for several nights. Then last night
about 3 o'clock, Pa got me and Ol' Blue, our dog, and
his shot gun, all cocked and loaded, to go out with
him to the chicken house to see what was going on."

He went on. "Well, Pa sleeps in his birthday suit, and
as he bent over to go into the chicken house, Ol' Blue
cold-nosed Pa where he didn't expect it.
Both barrels went off. 

Ever since then we've been up a-cleanin' and a-pluckin' 
more than 50 chickens. I missed the bus and had to walk 
3 miles to school."


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 
Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!



Thanks to Emma for this story:
Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to   
come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made   
a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic   
designer. She called when it arrived. 
"Isn't it good?", I  asked.   

She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years   
ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the   
refrigerator."  





Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Joel Bruss, 34 in Apple Valley, Minnesota

DUI on Zamboni

Another motorist has been arrested for driving a Zamboni 
while under the influence. On Monday evening, cops in Apple 
Valley, Minnesota busted Joel Bruss for suspicion of DWI. 
Bruss, 34, was collared at the Hayes Arena, where he operated 
the ice resurfacing vehicle.

Bruss is pictured in a mug shot from an earlier arrest.

According to police, cops were summoned to the rink 
by witnesses who watched as the Zamboni careened across 
the ice and bounced off the sideboards. When officers arrived, 
they saw Bruss, a part-time employee, “struggling to maneuver 
the Zamboni off the ice.”

When cops approached Bruss, they noticed that he was 
“unsteady on his feet and smelled of an alcoholic beverage.” 
Arrested following the completion of field sobriety tests, 
Bruss was transported to the Apple Valley police station, 
where “blood alcohol testing was completed.”


Tech Support Pits:

The link to  Mail Washer is here!

From: Eddie
Re: Hot key to start a new doc

Hi Mr. Webby;
Great to hear from you once again... and thank you for the many 
times that I have needed you assistance with my many ventures 
with computer problems and software...

Ok, well now here it goes..... "How do you create a "New Document" 
in a folder using MS 2010 Word" without exiting out of the folder? 
............... or ............. how can I add a tool in the toolbar to create this 
new word document?

 May this year brings you all what you desire, with peace with harm to none!
Eddie

Dear Eddie
I am glad your ISP is not blocking me any more.

I don't have MS Word, but once you are in it, 
most likely CTRL N will open a New doc.
That has been the standard since long before MS Word 
and should work. 

The same hot-key also works fine in most other programs too,
for example spreadsheets and graphics.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the   
wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling   
out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left   
here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know   
what you're doing."   

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat   
and announced, "I'm going left." 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Baking Soda for Facial Scrub

Baking soda makes a fantastic facial scrub! Just mix around 
a teaspoon of baking soda with a little dab of mild liquid soap, 
and a drop or two of water. Be sure to rinse thoroughly with 
warm water. Your face will be soft and glowing. I used to spend 
around $25 on micro-derm abrasion scrubs for generally the 
same result. 
By Janet R. from Rossville, GA

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



The two teenage girls were driving around town.  One of the
friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old 
man say when you told him you were pregnant?"

"You want me to leave out the profanities?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Nothing."




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A grandfather was talking to his grandson about how
he felt.
He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in
my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one.
The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the
fight in your heart?"
The grandfather answered,
"The one I feed."



   »   Fins and Scales

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 5 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, February 2

Thank you John !
Thank you Eddie!

Have you seen Ophelia's new Recipe section?
Today she has two Rumb Ball recipes, the traditional Southern
version with icing sugar and corn syrup, 
and the leaner Northern version. The Northern version looks
like it is sfe for diabetics and for people, who want 
to lose weight. You can get somebody plastered with 
healthy diet (rum) balls.

let her know which version you prefer, and above all, 
let her know if you like the recipe addition.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
--- Jerome Blattner

The surprising thing about young fools is how 
many survive to become old fools.
--- Doug Larson



Thanks to Cora for this story:
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.  
Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, 
I was nervous when we approached a landing strip 
in a snow-covered area.  The pilot descended to just 
a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, 
climbed, and circled back.  While my heart pounded,
the passenger beside me seemed calm. 

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed,"  
the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window.  
"It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said, without looking out the window.  
"It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"  I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the only one, 
who can get the snow plow started ."

-------------
Planes in the Arctic often have skis mounted a bit higher 
than the wheels and have a hydraulic hand pump to pump them
down when needed. Yes, you guessed it, that used to be my
job, aside from loading and unloading, lying on top of the 
cargo during the sprint down the runway and scrambling to 
the front as soon as we were a foot above ground.

Before landing on a lake or river, flying low over the 
landing area is mandatory. It blows loose snow away,
and reveals snow drifts. A sneaky snow drift will cause the
plane to suddenly nose over and look really embarrassing.

When there is a certain type of overcast, it is impossible to
see snowdrifts. Under those conditions, I had to toss out a
plumb-bob on a hundred foot line and we did another turn to
check the line it "wrote" into the snow. 
It sure revealed snow drifts!


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 
Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!



A young private sought permission from his
Commanding Officer to leave camp the following
weekend. "You see," he explained,
"my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and
tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again
with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he
said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. 
Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third
week, however, the Officer lost his temper.

"Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still
expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" yelled the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.





Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Hoons, 22, in Kadina, Australia

Donut burner busted after posting video on YouTube

A P-PLATE (Provisional License) driver who posted video 
of his antics on YouTube faces eight dangerous driving 
charges and losing his car forever.

The 22-year-old from Kadina, on South Australia's Yorke 
Peninsula, has had his Holden Commodore impounded 
for 28 days, police said today.

He was nabbed after footage of his alleged driving offences 
was uploaded to YouTube and police learned about his 
alleged behaviour on roads near Kadina.

He will be summonsed to appear in court at a later date to 
face charges including driving in a dangerous manner, 
misuse of a motor vehicle and producing excessive noise 
and smoke, police said in a statement.

Police will ask the court to have the car permanently 
forfeited.

The man is the holder of a provisional license and will 
be subject to disqualification, police said.

The driving is nothng outrageous, just a 22 year old acting
like a kid and burning donuts with an old, rear-wheel drive
car that has the rear brakes disconnected or worn out and 
a bad muffler, on a deserted country road.

Here is the video

It's just very tame, childish first gear donuts, not a big deal,
and in most places the cops would just grin about the dumb 
kids destroying their tires on an out of the way, deserted 
country road. 

However, posting it on YouTube as a bad example for other 
idiots, who might try that in a McDonalds parking lot and
knock over garbage cans, is a definite No-No!



Tech Support Pits:

Correction:
Got the link to  Mail Washer link fixed.

From: Daniel
Re: Simple spam control

Dear Webby:
hello my friend,
just wanted to tell you i'm still voting and ask a question.
is there a spam blocker that will block spam before it get's 
to your comp. but at the same time be simple enough for 
a computer illerate like myself to use?
thanks,
daniel

Dear Daniel
Yes, there sure is.
Just click on the  Mailwasher button on the right
side menu here in the Humor Letter.

I have used it for a many years now and would be lost 
without it. I have tested many others, but always keep
coming back to MailWsher.

 Mailwasher makes it ridiculously easy to create filters,
that catch stuff that is trying to sneak through it's own
already built in defenses. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Thanks to Cora for this story:
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, 
I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  
I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.  
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.  

Frantically I headed for the parking lot.  My wife, Cora, 
has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the 
ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to 
lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen.  

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a 
terrifying conclusion.  

Her theory was right.  
The parking lot was empty.  

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, 
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that 
it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, 
“Honey,” I stammered.  I always call her “honey” in times 
like these.  “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been 
dropped, but then I heard Cora’s voice, 
“Dumbo,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. 
Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Cora retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman 
that I have not stolen my car!”

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Organizing Curling Irons

With teen girls in the house, it is a pain to keep curling 
irons, hair dryers, and flat irons tidy. I had an extra 
clean wastebasket (the small kind) and had an idea. 
It fits under my sink and I stand all of the above 
appliances inside. What a help! :)

By Carol from Landisville, PA

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



"Dear Lord", the pastor began, with arms extended toward 
heaven and a  rapturous look on his upturned face. 
"Without you we are but dust. . " 

He  would have continued but at that moment my very 
obedient daughter (who was  listening!) leaned over to me 
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little  girl voice, 
"Dad, what is 'butt dust' ?"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Officers at a military installation were being lectured
about a new computer. The training officer said the
computer was able to withstand nuclear and
chemical attacks, was shock proof to 60 G, could be
driven over and even dropped from a plane.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of
coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking
in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill will ruin the keyboard !"



   »   Groundhog Day

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 15 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, February 1

In sheltered areas it is quite pleasant in the sunshine, but
Gullible Warming is definitely over. Temperatures are a few
degrees below what we got used to during the warming ripple.
It's back to normal again. Europe is finding that out the 
hard way. England is readying the military to help with the
weather emergency.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



"The closest to perfection anyone ever comes
is when he fills out a job application form."
--- Stanley J. Randall



"Emily," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall,
"do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really
don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because
like, I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"Oh, English class." replied the smiling teacher.


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 
Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!



St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day
about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played
on neutral grounds between a select team from the
heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you
realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and
the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered.
"We've got all the umpires."





Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Leigh Van Bryan, 26, and Emily Bunting, 29

Morons barred from entering US

Two morons were barred from entering the US after tweets 
joking about "destroying America" were picked up by the 
country's anti-terror cops.

US special agents monitoring Twitter spotted Leigh Van Bryan's 
messages weeks before he left for a holiday in Los Angeles 
with pal Emily Bunting.

Leigh, who also quipped about "digging up Marilyn Monroe" on 
Twitter, said they were treated like terrorists on arrival at a 
Los Angeles International Airport. The pair were held by 
armed guards and quizzed for five hours before being 
handcuffed, put in a van with illegal immigrants and locked 
up overnight. 

They spent 12 hours in separate holding cells and were then 
put on a flight home.

Leigh, 26, was kept under armed guard in a cell with Mexican 
drug dealers. The Department of Homeland Security flagged 
up Leigh as a potential threat when he posted a Twitter message 
to his pals ahead of his trip to Hollywood.

It read: "Free this week, for quick gossip/prep before I go and 
destroy America".

Despite telling officials at LAX airport the term "destroy" 
was British slang for partying, the pair were held on suspicion 
of planning to "commit crimes".

Irishman Leigh, a bar manager from Coventry, said: 
"It's almost funny now but at the time it was really scary. 

Even though they were not considered competent enough to
actually do any damage, apparently there was no need to let 
morons like them into the US.


Tech Support Pits:
From: Daniel
Re: Simple spam control

Dear Webby:
hello my friend,
just wanted to tell you i'm still voting and ask a question.
is there a spam blocker that will block spam before it get's 
to your comp. but at the same time be simple enough for 
a computer illerate like myself to use?
thanks,
daniel

Dear Daniel
Yes, there sure is.
Just click on the FireTrust Mailwasher button on the right
side menu here in the Humor Letter.

I have used it for a many years now and would be lost 
without it. I have tested many others, but always keep
coming back to MailWsher.

MailWasher makes it ridiculously easy to create filters,
that catch stuff that is trying to sneak through it's own
already built in defenses. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in
an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish
apartment where he soon discovered she was
not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently
very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her
a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry
and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me,
it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a
crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious
sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I
inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the
wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to
drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to
glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly
played fills my ears and I'm transported into another
world.

Port, however, just makes me fart."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Mark Back of Drawers When Moving
If you plan to refinish or move a dresser, chest, or any 
furniture with more than a couple of drawers; an easy 
way to remember where each drawer goes is mark on the back 
of the drawer with a marker pen with "A", "B", "C", "D" or 
"1", "2", "3", "4". On the inside, after removing the drawer 
write the corresponding letter or number in the opening. This 
will not show on the outside and will come in handy the next 
time you have to move the furniture. Some drawers appear 
to be the same size until you try to replace them and they don't 
seem to fit.

By Linda from Arlington, Texas

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was
not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because
he changed his statement after he gave it to the
police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my
chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold
watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left
in on the nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife
asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch?
Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit
extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my
watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew
exactly where it was."




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


An auto mechanic received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking sound when going around
corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right
turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then
made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.'

Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem.

He promptly returned the repair order to the service
manager with the notation, "Removed dead pumpkin
from trunk".



   »   Balloon Art & Arch

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 20 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 31

Iran to give US bright pink toy spy drone as 'gift'
An Iranian toy maker has responded to US requests 
to return a downed RQ-170 spy drone by sending 
President Obama a bright pink model of the plane,
while mass production of copy-cat drones makes Israel
"very nervous".

Anticipating a profitable ruckus in the area, Russia opposes
UN, NATO and the Arab League in their threats to remove
Bashar, and is moving ships to more scenic locations. At the
speed they are going, they are expected to be "close enough"
before the UN comes to any confusion, ahem conclusion.

If against all expectations peace breaks out, they will move
some of those ships down to near Somalia as peace keepers
and pirate hunters, but they are prepared to spend the spring
Southeast of Cyprus, ready to run interference, if the Iranian
navy ships, that still mosey around the mediterranean, try to 
sneak closer to Gaza and force Israel to sink them.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, 
it is useless to seek it elsewhere.
--- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Most of the change we think we see in life is due to 
truths being in and out of favor.
--- Robert Frost,



I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to
me was empty, but not for long. A young mother
boarded with her 4-year-old daughter and Mom sat
down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the
little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on
her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a
little lady straining to see what I was holding.

"What ya got, mifter?" she asked.
(Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind
her own business.)
I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and
says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"

(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the
rear telling her to sit down.)
I said, "They are for my girlfriend".
She replied with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED
ones, and a lot of them, too! You muft have REALLY
skwoowed up!"

Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in
stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl
between the seats!


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 
Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!



Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate
 for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. 

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity 
department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives 
of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how 
they enjoyed their trip. 

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" 



Thanks to Sandie for this picture:


Click through for the large version.

Angels Trumpet

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Anthony Spicer, 29 in Lynwood
was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary.

Ghosts lead to conviction

Anthony Spicer had a novel explanation for why he was in 
an abandoned school that also had its copper pipes cut – ghosts.

Spicer, 29, of Linwood, told police and the judge he only 
went into Linwood School, 4900 Eastern Avenue, because 
he was looking for ghosts.

“When you were in there looking for ghosts, is that when 
you found the (pipe) cutters?” Hamilton County Common 
Pleas Court Judge Norbert Nadel asked him.

“It’s supposed to be haunted,” said Spicer who lives 
near the school.

“You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?” Nadel aske
The judge then asked if Spicer took the bag -- which the 
judge believed was to be used to carry copper pipes out 
of the school -- in with him to fight ghosts.

“Did the ghosts cut the copper pipes?” Nadel asked.

Spicer didn’t give a good answer.

Copper pipes often are stolen and sold at scrap yards.

Spicer pleaded guilty last month to breaking and entering 
in exchange for prosecutors dropping a charge of 
possession of criminal tools.

Nadel placed Spicer on probation for three years, ordered 
him to get a job and to pay $740 in restitution -- $440 for 
damage to some of the copper pipes and $300 to replace 
the window broken to get into the school.


Tech Support Pits:
From: Dqavid
Re: Laptop Monitor cleaning

Hiya Webby,
Very interesting monitor cleaning info but what do you 
suggest for a laptop screen?
Love the Humor letter.

David

Dear David
Exactly the same thing.
The same as with cameras and eye glasses, 
don't spare the liquid!

It is always a choice of liquid versus friction.

A lot of people have a mini lectern or stand for their laptop, 
to raise the screen up to the same level as if it was a desktop 
monitor, and to make room for a decent, external keyboard.
It only takes a second to turn the laptop upside down on the 
lectern to clean it, and have liquid drip onto the towel below, 
instead of running into the keyboard or even deeper.

Letting it dry overnight of course is also a good idea.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Thanks to Dorothy for this story:
My son was in the process of bineg potty trained. One 
summer day, he came in from outside, all wet. I asked, 
"Did you have an accident?".
"Yes.", he replied. 
"Well," I asked, "what did you do, water the trees, the
bushes,...?"
"Oh, no," he replied. "I went in the garage." 

Shocked, I responded, "Well, you shouldn't do that. It 
will start to stink and draw flies; now I'll have to go out 
and hose down the garage."  

My son replied happily, " But Mom, it's OK, I didn't go 
in our garage, I went in Jane's garage!!"

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use Dry Milk for Cooking
For the past several months, I have been buying organic milk, 
which is more expensive then non organic milk. Since I use 
milk in many of my recipes, gravy, baking and sauces, I now 
buy the least expensive dry milk available and keep it on hand 
for everything else.

There is no difference in texture or taste when used in baking, 
sauces and gravy. I keep the more expensive store-bought 
milk for drinking and to use on cereals only. The dry milk is 
good to have on hand. I find the container with the pour spout 
is less expensive then the packets and easier to measure 
exactly what I need.

By Bobbie from Rockwall, TX

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?" 
asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say 'babies'. 
She was disappointed when all the children cried out, 
"Happy!"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


One spring evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother 
was tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn 
off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" 

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 
"I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with daddy." 

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken 
little voice saying, "The big sissy." 



   »   Blues on the Bay

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided 
what he wants to be when he grows up?" 

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the 
boy's father. 

His friend thought for a moment and responded, 
"That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." 

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage 
collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 32 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, January 30

Thank you, Sandi !
Sandi was the good news,

These news are rather disturbing!
Forgotten in Jail in New Mexico

Also disturbing are the news from Oakland, where a bunch
of masked chickenshits went on a vandalizing spree, including
burning an American flag inside a historical building. They cost
the local tax payers over two Million dollars. 

Apparently they were masked, so that their parents would not 
recognize them and cut off their allowance. The cops arrested 
over 300 of them, and plan to publish their names.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Talent hits the target no one else can hit,
Genius hits the target no one else can see. 
--- Schopenhauer

To err is human--
and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
--- Robert Orben

You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, 
but can prevent them from building their nest on it.
--- Socratex



MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry, Horny  (Not always in that order)


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 
Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!



A woman walked into her house to find her husband stalking 
around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. 

"Hunting Flies" he responded. 

"Oh, killing any?" she asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "Three were on the TV remote, 
2 were on the phone." 



Thanks to Eric for this picture:


Click through for the large version.

Hopefully these will work for you. One is a flowering bush and the other
one is a California poppy. Both are at the Eaton Canyon Nature Center in
Pasadena Ca
Eric

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Shellie Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, 
was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary.

Burglar returning for more

HOLIDAY — At first, on Wednesday, she helped herself to 
some craft supplies. And a knife. A purse. One hundred CDs.

The window curtains.

Shellie Leonard wanted more, authorities said, and on 
Thursday she went back to her neighbor's house on 
Dalwood Drive with plans to steal a computer and 
electronics. 

Her neighbor was incarcerated at the Pasco County 
jail. But Thursday happened to be the day the 
neighbor came home — and caught Leonard 
stealing, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office said.

Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, 
was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary.
 
Leonard remained Friday at the Pasco jail in lieu of 
$10,500 bail.


Tech Support Pits:
From: Lynn
Re: Monitor streaks

Dear Webby
What's the best way to clean a monitor? Mine shows
streaks within a day or so of cleaning.
Thanks
Lynn

Dear Lynn
First, turn the monitor off for five minutes. You can leave
the computer running, but turn the monitor off and ignore
it for five minutes.

Next, vacuum the entire monitor, but especially the screen,
even if you can't see any dust on it. The dust is in the 
invisible little craters etched into the surface to make it 
less reflective.

Then put an old towel below the front of the screen and 
sponge wipe the screen with plenty of window cleaner 
or vinegar. Use a very soft, non-abrasive sponge.
Vacuum the screen dry. 
Repeat that a few times.

Spray window cleaner onto the screen and wipe it off with
micro fiber cloth or an old tee-shirt.

Leave the drip towel in place because usually after a while
all the excess liquid that seeped into the case will drip out
somewhere.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my   
married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her   
side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you   
okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side."   

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was   
pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."   

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.   

"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. We normally sleep
during your class."   

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use Dry Milk for Cooking
For the past several months, I have been buying organic milk, 
which is more expensive then non organic milk. Since I use 
milk in many of my recipes, gravy, baking and sauces, I now 
buy the least expensive dry milk available and keep it on hand 
for everything else.

There is no difference in texture or taste when used in baking, 
sauces and gravy. I keep the more expensive store-bought 
milk for drinking and to use on cereals only. The dry milk is 
good to have on hand. I find the container with the pour spout 
is less expensive then the packets and easier to measure 
exactly what I need.

By Bobbie from Rockwall, TX

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat   
on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car   
and called out, "Are you hurt?" 

"No, I'm fine," I said,  touched by her concern. 

"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your 
parking space soon?"   




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A man started to snore in his seat in church.
"Please stop snoring,Sir." the usher pleaded. 
"You are disturbing the others."

"Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I donated enough
to this church that I probably own this whole pew, not just
this seat, and I'll do whatever I want."

"Yes Sir," said the usher. "But you are keeping
everybody awake."



   »   Star Gazing

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes,
decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door
he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please
don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn
the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the
entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started
clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher,
he was heard moaning: 
"Can't trust anybody anymore!"

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 28 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, January 29

A friend asked me to build a can crusher for her, like one 
I built for a relative with arthritis twenty years ago.
Well, I don't have a well stocked and equipped workshop
any more, but I learned to use Google.

Target sells a Norpro can crusher for $10.99:
http://snipurl.com/cancrusher

I don't think I could buy the materials to make one for
that price. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Knowledge is knowing a  tomato  is a fruit; 
Wisdom is not putting it in a  fruit  salad. 
--- Nan Fetcher

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, 
why do some people have  more than one child?
--- Albert Einstein

"A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good,
but for neglecting his neighbor's."
--- Richard Whately



Thanks to Jack for this story:
Italian divers searching the stricken Costa Concordia...
cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at a bar on the
dry, upper side of the ship.

They've told the divers to bugger off, because they have 
all inclusive tickets, and they still have 12 days left.


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 




For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of   
Wisconsin, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web   
or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom   
to a co-worker.   

"I know," she complained.  "Everyone thinks state workers   
have it easy.  But there's only so much you can pretend   
you're doing."   

"I'm just worried", said a third one, that if the modem or 
the Internet break down some day, and we have to do
all this by hand!"





Click through for the large version.
Balzers, Liechtenstein
The stret lights at the left bottom are from Truebbach, Switzerland
The orange street lights at the left center are from Balzers, Liechtenstein
The ridge going up to the Mitterspitz is the Southern border 
between Liechtenstein and Switzerland. It is a 3 country peak.
The horizon from the top to the left is the border to Austria.
The view towards the East, where the rising sun is above
the Silvretta, is across Switzerland and shows mountains 
in Austria.

I used to work during summers just a few miles to the left 
of Balzers. Money was much better there, and I quite enjoyed
bicycling, and 12 Miles was no problem at all.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Tina Cafarelli, 37, of Lynn, MA

Woman Stole Soda Just For Can Deposit

LYNN, MA -- Authorities say a Massachusetts woman bought 
$64 worth of soda using a stolen welfare benefits card, then 
immediately fed the full cans into the supermarket's 
automated redemption machine for the nickel deposit.

Tina Cafarelli, of Lynn, pleaded not guilty Monday to 
charges including larceny, property destruction and receiving 
stolen property. She was ordered held on $250 bail.

Police tell The Daily Item that the electronic benefits card 
Cafarelli used to buy the 18 12-packs of soda had another 
person's name on it. The supermarket manager says the 
full cans caused extensive damage to the redemption machine. 


Tech Support Pits:
From: Barbara
Re: Trojan Horse removal

Dear Webby:
I thoroughly enjoy your ezine and look forward to reading it 
each day.
 
My virus checker, AVG, says I have two imbedded virus': 
 Trojan Horse Downloader.Qdown.C.  
They show in "btiein.dll" and "down.cab"
As a relative novice, I am at a loss to know what to do, or 
how to get rid of them.  What do I do?
Thank you for your help.
Barbara 

Dear Barbara
Try to get that AVG to remove them.
The better anti virus programs like McAfee nuke that sort of 
stuff as it tries to come into your machine, and you can set 
them to just quitely do their job and not bother telling you about it. 

That is the way I run it. I don't give a hoot if it nukes one or one 
hundred a day, as long as it keeps all of them off my machine. 
It also cleans machines that have already been infected.

Try cleaning the infection with AVG, maybe it has an option
in it to do that.
If that does not work, get bigger ammo, like for example
McAfee

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Thanks to Rose for this one:
One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her   
grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late,   
there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful   
ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding   
us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.   

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have   
a question."   

"What do you want to know?"   

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the   
idiot?"   

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use Nail Brushes for Cleaning Small Spaces

I rarely use a nail brush to clean under my nails, as I use 
the end of a nail file. So I have a small collection of nail 
brushes I've saved from gift sets (frugal people save anything 
they think they will eventually find a use for). I keep a couple 
of them by the sink in the laundry room and have found they 
are great for scrubbing small spaces - a little larger than 
an old toothbrush and smaller than a traditional scrub brush. 
They have come in handy time and time again.

By Marie from West Dundee, ILhttp://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



One of my first evenings back from a business trip, my girl's
understanding parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I
noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the
top of the stairway.

I told her: "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give
you a quarter."

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but
soon was back again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


There was this bank where the employees went on strike
leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks. While
the strike was on, Jane called the bank, and asked
if they were open. They told her they had two windows open
upstairs in the office area.

Then Jane asked, . . . "I'm afraid of heights, couldn't you
just let me in though the back door?"



   »   Dakuwaga's Garden

Sam and Greg, two guys who both could play Santa without
having to use a pillow to ensure their circumference is close to
the same as their height, are in a pub.

Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round."

Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, Buddy !"

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 48 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, January 28

A number of readers asked me about how the security and
customs rigmarole for traveling to and from Europe is these
days.

I had been warned, that medication has to be in the original 
containers and that I need to have my prescription with me.
That turned out to be a hoax. For Europe that is not  required.

Security check here in Canada was routine. Naturally, I did
not have any weapons or explosives, and knew the routine.
Jacket and belt off, laptop out of it's case, wallet and keys
into the tray. 

My head, which has some metal parts in it, caused a beep,
and prompted a manual scan, but no groping.

After coming off an International flight in Frankfurt and prior
to transferring to a local flight, I was briefly groped. 
Customs was easy. Just a passport check. I had some 
Saskatoon jam. They never noticed.

On returning security was "casual routine". I guess they
knew, that terrorists are not welcome in Canada, and
the check was fast.

Customs on returning to Canada was quite casual too.
They knew that everybody returning from Europe probably
has a few chocholate bars, but that everything else is 
cheaper in Canada and not worth lugging through an airport.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge
that you'll grow out of it."
--- Doris Day

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL".
--- Michelle Obama



Thanks to Don for this story:
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her 
husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door 
to her bedroom.
 
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.  
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket 
as hard as she can.  Until she is totally exhausted.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. 
 
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a 
magazine. 
 
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, 
so l let them stay in our bedroom.  Did you say ‘hello’?”


Valentines is coming up!
Guilt Day!
If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book,
you will be made to feel guilty!

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 




During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from 
crying until she glanced at my grandparents. 

My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair 
and gently touched his hand. 

That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. 

After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told 
her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. 

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, 
"but I was just checking to see if he was still awake." 





Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

George Melvin Mitchell, 26 and Kimberly Lang Harris, 32

Couple caught stealing 11 pregnancy tests; 
Man's bond more than $400K

A Lufkin pair are in jail after police say they were caught 
stealing pregnancy tests from a pharmacy. One of the 
suspects now finds himself with a collective bond of 
more than $400,000.

George Melvin Mitchell, 26, is now in custody on outstanding 
warrants which were apparently raised after he no-showed 
a court appearance. He has four $100,000 each on three 
drug charges and one assault charge. Included with 
new charges, his bond is set at $404,277.

According to the police report, a person at CVS Pharmacy, 
located at 1200 block of Lufkin Avenue, called officers to 
the store at 7:39 p.m. in reference to an in-progress theft.

The person reported the suspects, later identified as 
Mitchell and Kimberly Lang Harris, 32, had just left the 
store after stealing pregnancy tests. The person said that 
Mitchell went alone down an aisle where the tests were 
sold and then called Harris over to him. Harris then 
removed several pregnancy tests from their packaging 
and hid them in her purse and then both suspects left 
the store, the witness said.

The witness said they left in a white Dodge Stratus and 
a nearby officer quickly found it going northbound on 
North Timberland Drive. Officers stopped the car at 
the intersection of Atkinson Drive and had to run after 
Mitchell, according to the report.

One officer managed to stop him after showing him a 
TASER. According to the report, officers found crack
cocaine on his possession. Following his arrest, Mitchell 
refused to provide his name, instead offering a profanity 
each time they asked.

Officers finally managed to get Mitchell's identity from 
Harris, who was detained at the vehicle. Officers found 
11 pregnancy tests in Harris' purse.

Because Harris has at least two prior theft convictions, 
she is charged  with a state jail felony.

Mitchell was booked in on new charges of evading arrest, 
possession of a controlled substance, failure to identify 
and theft.

Mitchell was first arrested in March, following an 
undercover investigation in 2010, in which he allegedly 
sold cocaine to confidential informants.

According to Art Bauereiss, a prosecutor with the district 
attorney's office, Mitchell has six prior convictions and 
he missed a court appearance -- two likely reasons his 
bond has reached as high of a figure.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Ron
Re: Spam from legitimate sites?

Dear Webby
I am a recipe collector. I am a member of several different 
cooking and recipe ezines, much like yours. There are a 
great deal of  recipe web sites as you know. Some do not 
ask for your email address, however I have run across a 
couple that look to be good sites but they ask me for my 
email address and a bit about me, but they are not offering 
a weekly mailing. Am I likely to get spyware from these type 
of sites. How about commercial recipe sites i.e. Kraft, 
Nabisco and so forth, do these companies waste time 
spamming and putting spyware on these sites? Perhaps 
this is a dumb question, but I have my machine cleaned up 
and am trying to keep it fairly clean. 

Thank you for the suggestion of switching from Norton to 
McAfee, I am amazed at the difference of what get through. 
McAfee is so much better in my opinion.
Thank you
Ron

Dear Ron
The big and well known outfits are normally quite legit.
When they have something to lose, they toe the line.
Legit outfits also have UNsubscribe lines, that actually 
work.

With unknown ones I would be a lot more careful.
Just give them a disposable hotmail address and put a
forward into the ho'mail to go to your earthlink address.
If that hotmail address becomes a nuisance, dump it.

You can set up a forwarding address for each subscription.
That way, if one of them collects a lot of spam, then 
you know that that company has sold your address to 
the swine. Name those addresses so that you can instantly
recognize, who sold your address. If a lot of spam goes to
ron-bbqmag@whatever.com, then you know the leak is at
bbqmag.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





What She Says and What She Really Means 

I need = I want 

We need = I want 

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later 

We need to talk = I need to complain 

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to 

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS 

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house 

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper... 

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade 

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep 

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive 

How much do you love me? = I maxed out your gold card. 

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. 

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead 

Yes = No 

No = No 

Maybe = No 

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry 

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you 

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it 

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important! 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Reuse a Bird Bath Base

Recycle that base from your broken bird bath. Many times 
I have rescued the bottom portions of those broken concrete 
bird baths that are out for the trash. Just turn them over and 
sink the narrow top end into the ground by using a narrow 
bladed shovel or a post hole digger until it is sitting stable 
in the dirt. The solid concrete bases can be used as a plant 
display stand or you can put a large clay pot saucer on the 
top for a bird bath.

The hollow bird bath bases can be used for a plant holder 
by sitting the pot in the base, or fill the base with potting soil 
and planting a plant in it, or, you can put a clay pot saucer 
on the top for a bird bath. Use your imagination! You can 
also paint or decorate the base before you place it in the 
ground to give your garden extra zing.

By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car...

Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can
tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try.

A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right.
This is a lot easier!"

Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from
the truck!"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in
a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the
station attendant. 

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them, 
that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered 
dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and 
picturesque rustic charms for a short spell ?"



   »   Iguazu Falls

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a
saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals
always had a habit of picking on strangers.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse
had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking and fired
a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?"
he yelled forcefully. No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if
my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish,
I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't
like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man,
true to his word, had another beer, walked outside,
and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,
"Say partner, before you go, what happened in
Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 84 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, January 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



This winter really changed my feelings about hoods. I always
felt, that they were just for kids and maybe really severe 
snow storms. Even riding dog sleds in the arctic, I rarely 
had a hood up. Well, in the bush you need to be reasonably 
alert and keep your peripheral vision unobstructed.

This winter, though, with the cold winds, and my blood
circulation not what it used to be, I have used the hood on my
parka more and more often, and today even considered adding
some material to it, to make it extend a bit further to the front.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



I have just returned from Boston. 
It is the only thing to do if you find yourself there.
--- Fred Allen

What some call health, if purchased by perpetua anxiety 
about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
--- George Dennison Prentice



Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual
checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything
unusual he should know about.

That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that
he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk
just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when
he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there.
You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single
pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of
Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.

"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage
in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your
drawers."


Valentines is coming up!
Chocolate has priority over beer. 

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
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A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a
28-ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Nissan."

As the parts guy writes down "Nissan, 28 oz. water pump" the
light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce
water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called
that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.

That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's
our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water
pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up,
Nissan 280Z water pump, part number......





Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Manolin Villaverde, 37 of Miami, FL

Gangster tangles with United Flight Attendants

A Miami man who exited an airplane lavatory smoking is facing 
a federal felony charge after he tangled with flight attendants 
who sought to have him extinguish his cigarette.

The incident Tuesday evening came an hour into a United 
Airlines flight from Houston to Ontario, California, according 
to a U.S. District Court criminal complaint. Flight attendants 
told the FBI that passenger Manolin Villaverde, 37, “came 
out of the restroom smoking a cigarette.”

When told that he could not smoke on the flight, 
“Villaverde responded that he did not care,” reported 
FBI Agent Gregory Morse. A flight attendant took the 
cigarette from Villaverde and extinguished it in the 
bathroom.

Undeterred, Villaverde lit up another butt inside the 
Boeing 737. A second flight attendant 
“grabbed Villaverde’s cigarette and extinguished it 
and again told him to SIT DOWN!” 

Villaverde was eventually subdued by a flight attendant
and tied to his seat with plastic handcuffs, 
after he sought to push past that attendant. He claimed that 
“the captain wanted to speak with him.”

United's flight attendants are usually the grand-mothers  
of Westjet flight attendants, they are the original "Coffee, 
Tea or Me?" stews, and veterans of many bitter Union 
battles, and are rumored to be behind the disappearance 
of Jimmy Hoffa. It is NOT a good idea to mess with them!

Villaverde was charged yesterday with interfering with 
flight crew members. He is being held in advance of a 
detention hearing tomorrow morning in federal court in 
San Antonio (where the United  flight was diverted).

Villaverde’s rap sheet, which dates back to 2000, includes 
arrests for weapons possession, larceny, assault, and 
aggravated battery. 

Now tough guy enforcer got battered by a much tougher 
and aggravated flight attendant.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Sr Anna
Re: How do I view the page source now?

Dear Webby,
How do you view the page source now?
I can't find it any more.
Sr Anna

Dear Sr Anna
On Firefox it is still CTRL U
On IE it is a bit more complicated: ALT P, then S
or on some versions,ALT V, then C

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





A tale is told about a small town that had historically 
been "dry," but then a local businessman decided 
to build a tavern. 

A group of Christians from a local church were concerned 
and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to 
intervene. 

It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck 
the bar and it burned to the ground. 

The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the 
prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church 
hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not 
responsible. 

The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, 
stated that "no matter how this case comes out, 
one thing is clear.  The tavern owner believes in the 
power of prayer and the Christians do not." 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Reuse a Bird Bath Base

Recycle that base from your broken bird bath. Many times 
I have rescued the bottom portions of those broken concrete 
bird baths that are out for the trash. Just turn them over and 
sink the narrow top end into the ground by using a narrow 
bladed shovel or a post hole digger until it is sitting stable 
in the dirt. The solid concrete bases can be used as a plant 
display stand or you can put a large clay pot saucer on the 
top for a bird bath.

The hollow bird bath bases can be used for a plant holder 
by sitting the pot in the base, or fill the base with potting soil 
and planting a plant in it, or, you can put a clay pot saucer 
on the top for a bird bath. Use your imagination! You can 
also paint or decorate the base before you place it in the 
ground to give your garden extra zing.

By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, 
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When 
Bubba asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed 
to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. 

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked. 

"No way," Bubba said, "Ol' Blue don't need none. 
I always do the drivin' these days. He drives way too fast
and hits too many mail boxes!" 




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, 
"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and 
it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." 

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over 
to the customer who was walking out the door and said, 
"That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. 
In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." 

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, 
never, never, never say we don't have something.  If we don't 
have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.  Now, what was 
it she asked about?" 

And the clerk said, "Muggings on the sidewalk outside." 



   »   WOW!

How to answer female telemarketers:

**BEEP**
You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline.
Press one to continue.
(pause)
Now, press the other one.
**Click**

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---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 26

Here it was not clear enough to see the Northern Lights,
but here are some from Fairbanks
Northern Lights this week

Tromvik, Norway

Finland

There are lots more on the net, but these will get you started.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



The one serious conviction that a man should have 
is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.
--- Nicholas Butler

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't
at stake at the moment.
--- Willis Player



  At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
 his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation
 is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.

 "Do you understand that what matters is whether we
 win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

 "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
 you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
 the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the
 boy nodded yes.

 "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain
 it to your mother."


Valentines is coming up!
Chocolate has priority over beer. 

Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes
They Are All Original, Rich, Raw
Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy
Yet So Easy To Make!
Our original chocolate recipes have all the 
delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence 
of what you love about chocolate, 
but with an amazing twist. 




Human Resource Manager to job candidate "I see you've had 
no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper
management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry
level positions."





Click through for the large version.
Blonde and foal

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

John R. Pacella, 38, in Willowbrook, Illinois

Child molester got cops to beat the crap out of him

Police in Willowbrook, Illinois, were surprised last week 
when they received a 4 a.m. emergency call from a man 
who "wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight 
with them," TribLocal reports.

The man, 38-year-old John R. Pacella, wasn't kidding 
around either: As soon as police showed up at his door, 
he began pushing and shoving officers. 

The officers dispatched to respond to a registered sex offender's 
request for fighting them, were not intimidated, 
and after a brief thumping, he was promptly arrested.

Pacella was later booked at DuPage County Jail with bail 
set at $100,000. He remains behind bars on charges of 
aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery 
with intent to provoke or insult, TribLocal reported.

Police also told TribLocal that Pacella is a registered 
sex offender.

The website Homefacts.com, which compiles neighborhood 
safety data including lists of registered sex offenders, 
has a profile for a John Rocco Pacella of Willowbrook, 
Illinois, whose record includes "Indecent Solicitation of a 
Child," according to the site.

Isn't it amazing, what some people will do to earn a 
Bonehead award?



Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: How do I find a word on a web page?

Dear Webby,
How do I find a word on a long web page?
A friend told me to use CTRL F3, but that knocks off
the WiFi (Aircard).
What do i do?
Ann

Dear Ann
With FireFox use simply Ctrl F to Find.
When you hit CTRL F, a little strip opens at the bottom left corner,
asking you what it should FIND for you.

It is an Incremental Find, that narrows the search down one
letter at a time. If it beeps at you, then there is no point continuing,
because there is no word on that page, that has the letters, 
that you have so far. 

Usually, that is a sign of a typo, and stops you from continuing
with that typo in the search word.

You can also use phrases consisting of a few words,
and there is a Next and a Previous button beside it.

It does not take much to get used to the CTRL F finder. 
It tends to become indispensable quickly.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to
get an appointment.

When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became 
outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me 
for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If you die in the meantime, 
would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Coffee Filters for Embroidery Machine Backing

If you have an embroidery machine, don't buy that expensive 
backing. When I bought mine, the man told me to just go to 
the dollar store, buy some cheap coffee filters, and press 
them out. They work great!

By roseoma3 from Liberal, MO

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Just before the public viewing at a funeral parlor, a widow 
notices her deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in 
the breeze caused by the air conditioner.  

"This won't do!" She orders the director to take care of the 
problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she'll 
just wait in the outer office for ten minutes.  

She leaves and comes back after exactly 600 seconds. 
Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place.

A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral
and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem.
She calls to inquire as to why.  She's told that it was "on the
house."  "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and
materials and I will compensate you for it.  Now, give me a
price!"

"Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees.  He holds
the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie,
how much did those three nails cost to put that toupee in 
place last month?"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


At a diner, I was standing in line behind two women who 
handed the young waitress a credit card.  After swiping 
the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr.
Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to
look, Mr. Allen, also the cook, calmly walked out from the
kitchen.

"Well," he answered, the first thing you do is shout it out
loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have
been thinking about leaving a tip for the cook. Next you go
check and see if McDonalds will take you back."



   »   Wonderful Critters

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church 
council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says 
"Well, we've all worked together for many years, 
but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each 
other one of our sins." 

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first 
priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's 
the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of 
town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. 
Get it out of my system." 

They all look each other again nervously, but the next 
priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. 
Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and 
go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." 

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says 
"This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my 
collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, 
and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get 
it out of my system." 

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't 
say anything. Then one of the four speaks up 
"Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. 
It's your turn." 

He looks at the others and starts hesitantly 
"Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait 
to get off this train!" 

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---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, January 25

Thank you, Ann D.!

Did any of you hear or read Obamanov's speech last night?
He is back into ridiculous promising and lying, just like during 
the election campaign. 

The sheeple won't notice, that he vetoed the Keystone
pipeline yet again a few days ago. They will fall for his promise
of North American energy and less dependence on far away 
and unstable suppliers. 

Is he THAT good a hypnotist?

Well, we are going to donate a pipeline and about 
250,000 jobs anyway. Just from Montana to Texas for now, 
and connect it to the tar sands later.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



There are two primary choices in life: 
to accept conditions as they exist, or 
accept the responsibility for changing them.
--- Denis Waitley

Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
--- Oscar Wilde



An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The 
friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up 
the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. 
"The pastor is really boring and it is hard to sleep
up that close."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman 
inquired.

"No, Ma'am, I don't." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.
 

Brew Beer at Home!
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at home, even if you have absolutely no experience
in brewing. Money back guarantee!
Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas,
meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever!

A glass of beer a day is good for you!



The temporary Sunday School teacher was
struggling to open a combination lock on the supply
cabinet. She had been told the combination, but
couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to
the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the
dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared
blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely
heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to
the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith,
pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on
a piece of tape on the ceiling."





Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Adam Blumenkranz, 43, from Los Angeles

Caught smoking dope on plane

NEWARK, N.J. (KABC) -- A Los Angeles man faces drug charges 
after he allegedly smoked pot on a JetBlue flight to New Jersey 
on Monday.

Authorities said 43-year-old Adam Blumenkranz dropped a 
bag on the plane that the flight attendant believed to be marijuana. 
She handed it back to him and planned to speak to authorities 
after landing.

During the flight, Blumenkranz allegedly went to the bathroom 
and smoked the marijuana. The crew reported that when he 
emerged, there was a strong smell of marijuana.

Airport police say Blumenkranz claimed it was for medicinal 
purposes.

Blumenkranz has been charged with possession of drugs 
and drug paraphernalia. He was ordered to appear in court 
in Elizabeth, New Jersey, by Jan. 27. 
---------------
Airplane washrooms don't have an exhaust fan. 
Air leaks into the washroom around the door and sometimes 
a grill low down on the door. They exhaust the used air and 
any farts down through the toilet and to the outside.

I don't smoke any more since late February last year, but
I still remember the protocol.
When there is a line-up, smoking is a definite No-No!
On late night or overnight flights, when most people are
sleeping and nobody has gone to the washrooms for a while,
you can get away with it without any fuss.

You have to bend down low over the toilet and use a jacket
to further confine the smoke. Your cigarette may be difficult 
to light in the strong draft, but that tells you, that your smoke
is not going to be bothering the next washroom user. THAT
is the most important part of the protocol.
Don't worry about the stewardesses. They do the same thing.
Just make sure no passengers complain to them.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Art
Re: Digital pictures and flash

Dear Webby,
I read some of your older posts in the archive.
You sound like you rally hate flash. Other than for mug-
shots of crooks and mother-in-laws, is there ANY time you
would use flash, or do you simply NEVER use it?
Art

Dear Art
There are some exception: Falling snow, smoke, fog.
If you want falling snow to show up, use flash.

The same goes for Halloween pictures. You can nicely
enhance them with some smoke. The flash brings out
the smoke like a fairly bright ghost. The closer to the 
camera, the brighter the ghost will be. Cigarette smoke
blown up into the path of the flash works great!

Sand storms also can be enhanced nicely with flash.
However, keep in mind to NEVER shoot against a sand
storm unless you have a cheap UV filter in front of the
camera lens. A sandstorm will wreck the coating on the
camera lens. Also, avoid shooting downwind. If possible
shoot at a right angle to the storm and use the anti-red-eye
pre-flash.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering
from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked
him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied
"I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."

The doctor told him that the next time he played, he
should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little 
embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.

So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing
buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an
imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole!
He was playing the best game he had ever played,
with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached
the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been
playing ahead of him and watching this game with
much curiosity.

The second golfer waited before he teed off on the
10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to
join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole,
the second golfer asked him what he was doing.

The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him
to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve
his stress, and it was working.

Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress
and asked if it would be all right to play with an 
imaginary ball, also.

The first golfer said "Sure!"

They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both
men are tied to this point in their round. The second 
golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started 
jumping up and down shouting,
"Ace! I win!"

The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said 
"No, I won. That was my ball you aced."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use a Vinyl Coupon Sorter for Receipts
I have a vinyl coupon sorter that is divided into categories 
(Grocery, Target, etc. and family members names and 
receipts awaiting reimbursement or rebates) Each time 
I purchase an item, I place the receipt in the corresponding 
file. Be sure to get into the regular habit of doing this or 
your file will cause you more aggravation than it is worth!

When I need to make a return or request a price 
adjustment the receipt is available. About once a month, 
I empty the receipts in an envelope and save for about 
a month before shredding. Occasionally, I'll get to the 
grocery store without my coupons. When I get home, 
I match up my coupons with the receipt and have 
them redeemed the next time I am at the store.

By Diana from Prospect, KY

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



"What do you love most about me," a husband asked
 his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my
superior intellect?"

"What I love most about you," responded the man's
wife, "is your incredible sense of humor."




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


The new priest is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks an older priest
to sit in on his sessions. The new priest   
hears a couple confessions, then the old
priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.   

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms
over your chest and  rub your chin with
one hand." The new priest tries this. 

The old priest suggests, "Try saying
things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I
understand,' and 'how did you feel about
that?'

The new priest says those things, trying
them out. 

The old priest says, "Now, don't you
think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No Kidding!
What happened next?'"



   »   Bug Mac 3D

The Father, passing through his son's college town late 
one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a 
surprise visit to the boy. 

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. 
After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted 
down from a second floor window, "Whadoya want?" 

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. 

"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front 
porch and we'll drag him in in the morning."

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---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, January 24

The days are getting noticeably longer. That always makes
the child in me happy. As a kid I was always told to 
"Go play outside", which meant playing outside until it got too
dark and somebody yelled. In summer that meant first an 
hour of weeding before free playiong, but in wwinter, once
I had spaded over the entire garden, all play was free style.

Therefore, more minutes of daylight meant more minutes 
of play before going inside and doing homework! 
I don't remember ever doing homework by natural light.

When I was old enough, so that I could ride my mom's
bicycle, just standing on the pedals, with the seat poking
me into the neck, I used to bicycle to Switzerland to bring
back sugar. It was exported to Switzerland with some
subsidy and sold there for less, than what it cost in Austria.
That left a nice profit margin for an enterprising kid!

After a year of that I started borrowing dads bicycle. That 
meant standing on the pedals kinda crooked because of
the horizontal bar, but dad's bike was a THREE SPEED!
I was FLYING with that bike! 

It must have looked hilarious, but I enjoyed it!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Be sure you put your feet 
in the right place, then stand firm.
--- Abraham Lincoln

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, 
when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much 
depend on the weather.
--- Michael Pritchard

Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy 
is indistinguishable from molasses.
--- Socratex



First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries   
in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo-   
scope aloud.   

"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal,   
levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?"   

"Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we   
Capricorns are."  
 

Brew Beer at Home!
Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide
Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide
shows you how to make beer totally from scratch
at home, even if you have absolutely no experience
in brewing. Money back guarantee!
Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas,
meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever!

A glass of beer a day is good for you!



Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that
it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought
her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the
toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much
is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes
to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the
beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others
are $19.95 ?",  Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's
cat and Ken's furniture."



Thanks to Pam and Gary for this picture of grosbeaks in
front of their cabin in the Yukon


Click through for the large version.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Kaitlyn Campbell, 20, Grand Forks, North Dakota

Dopey mom and babbling kid

After North Dakota cops pulled over a vehicle and recognized 
the strong odor of pot, the driver’s four-year-old daughter 
gave officers the lowdown on the ownership of drug paraphernalia 
found in the car.

"That’s mommy’s," the girl said in reference to a glass 
marijuana pipe that police found in the auto’s back seat 
(where she was seated with her one-year-old brother). 
The child then added, "Mommy smokes weed all the time," 
according to a Grand Forks County Sheriff’s Office report.

Kaitlyn Campbell, 20, was charged with felony child 
endangerment and misdemeanor possession of drug 
paraphernalia in connection with the traffic stop last 
Thursday. 

A passenger in the 2007 Chevrolet Malibu was hit with 
the same charges (and a drug possession count after 
she claimed ownership of pot found in the car).

Campbell, pictured in the above mug shot, is currently 
free on bail. She is scheduled for a preliminary hearing 
on February 27.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Horace
Re: Hot Key

Dear Webby,
That CTRL ALT Z hotkey to toggle the sound off and on is
absolutely brilliant!
Can you create me something, that will add the content
of the clipboard, what I just typed and and/or copied, 
to a text file, from which I can later put it into a spreadsheet
or doc, without having that text file open and visible to everybody?
Sounds confusing, but I am sure you can figure out what I
mean.

Thanks
Horace

Dear Horace
That is actually a very common and much used concept.
A program like that is usually called a "logger", because
it creates a raw log of ideas or info.

I remember writing one of those with a bat in the days of 
DOS, long before Windows.

Same as with yesterday's tip, 
Go to my Tool Box and grab NirCMD. It is just below the 
Instant EyeDropper. Right-click it and choose Save link As.
That way YOU can tell it, where you want to save the zip-file to.
It is very small. The only reason it is zipped up is because it 
includes a help file.

After you unzip it, hit the nircmd.exe. It will offer to copy
itself to the Windows folder. Yes, please.

Now that you are armed and dangerous, 
Right-click on the desktop and choose New \ Shortcut

Here is where we do something different from yesterday.
Let's assume, your raw log file is c:\IDE\rawlog.txt

Type or paste into the location box:
nircmd.exe clipboard addfile "c:\IDE\rawlog.txt"
Hit next and for the nickname, use Logger

Now right-click the new icon, and in it's properties, 
put the cursor into the Short-Cut Key slot, hold down CTRL.
It will show CTRL + ALT + 
type L   (or some suitable key)
and hit Apply, OK.

Now hit CTRL ALT L
Windows will procrastinate and snivel about whether you
really want it to do what you told it to do.
YES, dammiit! And don'd ask me about it ever again!

After that, when you hit CTRL ALT L,
whatever you have copied and have in the clipboard, 
is added to rawlog.txt.

Like any decent logger, it does it silently, without any beeps
or squawks.

You can make an additional shortcut, with it's own hot-key,
to copy the contents of that file into the clipboard, ready to
paste into any spreadsheet or doc or other file.

The command for that is
nircmd.exe clipboard readfile "c:\IDE\rawlog.txt" 

If you rename rawlog.txt to for example Jan24log.txt,
the CTRL ALT L will create a fresh rawlog.txt when you
use it again the next day.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting 
attorney attacked a witness.  "Isn't it true," he bellowed, 
"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise 
this case?" 

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't 
hear the question.  "Isn't it true that you accepted five 
thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer 
repeated. 

The witness still did not respond.  Finally, the judge leaned 
over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." 

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking 
to you. I've never seen that big a pile of money in my 
whole life."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Check Refurbished Printer Cartridge Expiration Date

Make Your Own Peanut Butter
It's easy to save money on peanut butter. Buy bulk, unsalted 
peanuts and grind in a blender. Add salt as needed. We get 
our peanuts for $1.25 lb. I like $2.50 for a big jar of peanut butter, 
rather than $7 a jar, don't you?

By Davidicdancer from Spokane, WA

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



While I was working in the men's section of a department store, 
a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her 
husband.  When I asked about his size, the woman had to stop 
and think for a minute. 

Then her face brightened.  She held up her hands, forming a circle 
with her forefingers and thumbs, and said, "I don't know his size, 
but my hands fit perfectly around his neck." 




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny 
had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" 
Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"



   »   Hubble Ultra 3D

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his
doctor.  The doctor asked him all the usual questions,
about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying,
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong
just by checking and looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote
out a prescription, and handed it to him and said,
"There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll
have to have you put down."

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 74 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, January 23
Thank you Miriam!

It warmed up to -6 today, but walking against the wind was
not that comfortable. It was very pretty, though, with the low
sun casting long shadows on the snow. 

I found it interesting, that deer prefer to walk in fresh snow
on lawns, but elk and moose prefer to walk on the 
hard packed snow on the road. I guess they are not worried
about any flimsy cars.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



"If you have to write your ethical rules
down, it's already too late"
--- Tom Clancy



Thanks to Cheryl for this story:

 Senior Citizen Discount 
"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell 
said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes 
and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already 
handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck 
to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said 
the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. 
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the 
sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. 
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. 
A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering 
what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, 
my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back 
inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was 
waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled 
it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! 
What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. 
I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly 
makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the 
ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and 
tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear 
view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear 
view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in 
the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. 
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the 
alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved 
to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is 
when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! 
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab 
my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode 
back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, 
draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, 
"What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? 
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back 
to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for 
Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly 
a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my 
attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother 
explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly 
apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does 
stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. 
Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Corvette. And no, I 
told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down 
the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding 
ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my 
legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
 

Brew Beer at Home!
Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide
Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide
shows you how to make beer totally from scratch
at home, even if you have absolutely no experience
in brewing. Money back guarantee!
Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas,
meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever!

A glass of beer a day is good for you!



Thanks to C.Odin C. for this story:
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart 
surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store 
blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type 
of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went 
out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. 
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation 
for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through 
a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who 
was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you 
card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not 
reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be 
generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & 
money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar 
of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have 
Scottish blood in my veins".





Click through for the large version.
Attached picture is a view of the sunrise and the Blue Ridge Mountians 
taken from our back deck the other morning.
Rich 
Troutville, Va

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Justin Canuto, 22, Farmington, NM

Drunk driver hogtied by witness

FARMINGTON, N.M. (AP) - New Mexico authorities say a witness 
hogtied a suspected drunken driver accused of barely avoiding 
several head-on collisions and then trying to run away once he 
was forced into a parking lot and confronted by people who saw 
what happened.

The Farmington Daily Times reports that 22-year-old Justin Canuto 
was tied up after he pulled over Sunday in a Farmington parking lot.

San Juan County sheriff's officials say he was seen minutes earlier 
driving southbound in the northbound lanes of U.S. 550 and nearly 
missed several oncoming motorists.

A sergeant says Canuto became belligerent and tried to run away, 
prompting another man to tackle and hogtie him before sheriff's 
deputies arrived.

Canuto was charged with drunken driving.
While deputies don't recommend tying up suspected drunken 
drivers, no charges were filed against the man who tied Canuto.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Amanda
Re: Hotkey for muting

Dear Webby,
In the good old days of Windows 95, you gave me a hot-key
to instantly mute the sound if a boss drove into the parking lot.
That "Boss Key" worked fine on Windows 98 and Windows XP,
but not on Blonde Windows. 
Waaahhh!
Can you a new Boss Key?
Thanks
Amanda

Dear Amanda
Go to my Tool Box and grab NirCMD. It is just below the 
Instant EyeDropper. Right-click it and choose Save link As.
That way YOU can tell it, where you want to save the zip-file to.
It is very small. The only reason it is zipped up is because it 
includes a help file.

After you unzip it, hit the nircmd.exe. It will offer to copy
itself to the Windows folder. Yes, please.

Now that you are armed and dangerous, 
Right-click on the desktop and choose New \ Shortcut

Type or paste into the location box:
"nircmd.exe” mutesysvolume 2
Hit next and for the nickname, use Boss Key or Mute

Now right-click the new icon, and in it's properties, 
put the cursor into the Short-Cut Key slot, hold down CTRL.
It will show CTRL + ALT + 
type Z
and hit Apply, OK.

Now hit CTRL ALT Z
Windows will procrastinate and snivel about whether you
really want it to do what you told it to do.
YES, dammiit! And don'd ask me about it ever again!

After that, when you hit CTRL ALT Z, 
the sound toggles off or on, instantly.

Don't get too carried away with all the goodies mentioned 
in the nircmd help file. Remember the trouble you got into
for setting your boss's Spell-Check hot-key to turn his  
monitor off!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter 
in the act. 

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, 
near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from 
his grip and tried to run away. 

After a scuffle, my friend slammed him against the wall and 
looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring 
at him. 

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. 
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with 
more than nine items." 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Check Refurbished Printer Cartridge Expiration Date

There is a date on each printer ink cartridge. There is 
evidently a microchip in the ink cartridge that tells the 
printer when that date has arrived. When that date gets 
here, it is considered to be an expired cartridge and 
will no longer work.

I no longer refill them close to or past the expiration date, 
and I will open the box and check the expiration date of 
refurbished ones at the cash register before I drive all 
the way back home.

Source: HP customer service rep

By mom-from-missouri from NW Missouri

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Your best bet is to buy ink from a reputable supplier like
Atlantic Inkjet, especially if you use an HP printer!

The same applies to laser toner. Not just HP, but also Dell 
and Xerox build counter chips into the toner cartridges. Even
if you print just one tiny dot of a certain color, it counts the page,
and after a certain number of pages have been counted, the
cartridge tells the printer, that it is empty.

Because of that sleazy racket, it is extremely important to
get your toner from a good and reputable supplier like
Atlantic Inkjet.
They are cheaper too, not just better.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday
morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.

He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and convinced him to take the service for
him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor
left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After
all, it was Sunday morning and everyone he knew
was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter
leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are You?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Rev. Norton hit the ball and it shot
straight towards the pin, dropping just short of
it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A
420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished.
He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did You let
him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to
brag to?"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


An applicant was filling out a job application. When he
came to the question, "Have you ever been
arrested?" he wrote,
"No."

The next question, intended for people who had
answered in the affirmative to the previous question,
was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."



   »   Year of the dragon

The young wife was in tears when she opened the
door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she
sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred
miles away."

"I know, but a letter marked "Private, for George only"
came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult
come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice,
don't forget to give this letter to George.'

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 112 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, January 22
Thanks Catherine!

It warmed up to -16 today, even more in the sunshine, and I
quite enjoyed my 3 mile walk today. After this week, I think 
I will add half a mile to it and keep the speed up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Do the right thing. It will gratify some people 
and astonish the rest.        
--- Mark Twain



Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life formed on that 
earth planet have developed satellite based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, 
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have them 
aimed at themselves."


Brew Beer at Home!
Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide
Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide
shows you how to make beer totally from scratch
at home, even if you have absolutely no experience
in brewing. Money back guarantee!
Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas,
meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever!

A glass of beer a day is good for you!



Jones is driving past the state mental hospital
when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones
is changing the tire, he drops the spare onto the 
hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. 
The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to
go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind
the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has
been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off
each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your
tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality,
but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare
tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls
back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty
sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because
I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."





Click through for the large version.

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Michael West, 41, in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin

Abuser Claimed "Ghost" Injured His Wife

JANUARY 20--A Wisconsin man charged with domestic abuse told 
cops that a “ghost” was actually responsible for injuries suffered by 
his wife, according to police.

The bizarre claim by Michael West, 41, did not prevent the Fond du Lac 
man’s arrest for strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, 
and resisting arrest. West is pictured in the mug shot above.

According to a January 18 criminal complaint, West and his 
spouse got into an argument Sunday that turned violent. The 
victim told cops that West twice strangled her, and that he 
punched her in the face when she tried to dial 911.

When cops arrived at the couple’s home, the crying woman was 
bleeding from the nose and had blood on her Packers jersey.

During police questioning, West claimed his wife sustained 
her injuries to her face and neck during several falls. When 
pressed by a cop--who pointed to marks on the woman’s neck, 
the intoxicated West shifted his story. “A ghost did it,” he said.

In light of the apparition claim, officers sought to place 
West in custody. After a struggle, he was handcuffed and 
transported to the county lockup, where he remains in custody 
in lieu of $1000 bail.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Amelia
Re: Password encrypted Microslop Powerpoint

Dear Webby,
Somebody sent me a PPS file, that gives the error
The loading of password encrypted Microslop Powerpoint
presentation is not supported.

I can sorta view it with that klutzy Powerpoint viewer, that
you can't stop and resume, and have to start from scratch.

Why do people go to the trouble of stealing pictures from all
over the net, and then use that hateful password encryption,
so that all you get is a fast preview at THEIR set speed?

Is there a way to convert it short of using PrintScreen and pasting
that to a file andrestarting the silly PPS?
Amelia

Dear Amelia
Sounds like somebody got their daddy to buy them Microsoft Office,
and now they want to rub that in with their soon to be FORMER friends.

The password encryption is intended for training presentations
and stuff, that should not be taken apart or viewd out of context,
but NEVER for collections of pictures or anything recreational 
like that.

That password encryption is very strong and I don't know of a
way to crack it.

However, by using the Backspace key you CAN stop the slide 
show. Then you can mouse around at the left bottom corner and
make the 4 invisible icons visible. The third one has the option 
"SCREEN" in it, and that one has the option "SWITCH PROGRAMS".

So, stop the slideshow with the backspace key,
hit PrintScreen
switch programs to your graphics program
hit CTRL V to paste the screen shot
ALT-TAB back to the slide show
DOWN Arrow to advance to the next slide

Yes, I know it is klutzy and tedious compared to the way you 
can enjoy unencrypted slide shows by using Open Office, but 
it DOES work.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for
sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked
perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and
lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very
affordable price.

"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't
figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with
so few people to practice on.

"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic,"
replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around
here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.

My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening
and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a
huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil
them up for my secret tonic."

"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this
land," said the younger man.

The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit
pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store,
whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I
tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say
that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued,
"I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to
my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten
bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's
just the beginning.

A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how
much better they're looking, so that they feel like the
tonic is working."

"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical
exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell
them to bring in a specimen, and this way I  get my bottles
back!"

"What is the secret tonic made from, if you don't mind me 
asking?"

"Dandylion wine. It's the most prolific weed around here."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard
I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the 
computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always 
have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them 
because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can 
get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it 
really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost 
roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused.

By Joynchocolate

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Thanks to Fred for this:
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland,   
she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the   
car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a   
speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the   
last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in   
front of her.   

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,   
"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."   




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York 
City building. 

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of 
Expensive perfume.  She turns to the old woman and says 
arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph  Lauren, $150 an ounce!" 

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, 
and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, 
"Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" 

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination 
and is about to get off the elevator. 

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, 
then bends over and trumpets a fart like the finale of an opera.
Just before the elevator doors close behind her, she turns and 
whispers  into the eyewatering fumes:  
"Broccoli,  49 cents a pound."



   »   Diesel Punks 2012

A couple are asleep in their beds late one night, when
the wife thinks she hears a noise downstairs.
She nudges her husband and whispers,
"Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're
eating the broccoli casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" says the husband.

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 139 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, January 21

Thanks, William!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.
--- Colette

What is written without effort is in general 
read without pleasure.
--- Samuel Johnson

The one function TV news performs very well 
is that when there is no news we give it to you 
with the same emphasis as if there were.
--- David Brinkley

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.
--- Henry Ford

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
--- Niels Bohr



A perfectionist teacher demands the very best of all
of her pupils. So it is only to be expected that she
would get furious when one little fellow hands in a
sloppily done homework paper.

"This is the worst essay it has been my misfortune to
read," the woman says through clenched teeth. "It has
so many mistakes. I can't understand how one person
could have made all these mistakes."
"It wasn't just one person," the boy replies defensively.
"My mom helped me."


Brew Beer at Home!
Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide
Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide
shows you how to make beer totally from scratch
at home, even if you have absolutely no experience
in brewing. Money back guarantee!
Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas,
meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever!

A glass of beer a day is good for you!



>From Susan:

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to 
lose some pounds that she had put on recently. 

"Good," I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too!  We can be 
dieting buddies and help each other out.  When I get the urge 
to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great,"  she replied.  "I'll ride with you."





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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Meet Savannah “Bambam” Rios, 24, Salt lake City, Utah

Cops Collar Bambam The Testicle Attacker

The Utah woman, 24, is facing several felony charges:
kidnapping, robbery, sexual abuse, etc., after a bizarre 
attack last week on a man she recently dated.

Rios, pictured in the mug shot at right, allegedly confronted 
the man last Wednesday after he accused her of swiping some 
of his belongings. The victim told police that he went to 
meet with Rios at a Salt Lake City residence, where he 
“was lead to a back backroom” where she was seated on 
the bed.

The male victim, identified only by the initials “G.A.”, 
said that Rios slapped him several times, pulled out a knife, 
and asked him, “You wanna die?”

That’s when things got weird.
According to a probable cause affidavit, Rios ordered “G.A.” 
to remove his clothes. After he complied, Rios grabbed the 
man’s belt and “wrapped it around her hand, and hit him 
several times in the ‘balls.’”      

After pleading for his life, the man told cops, Rios allowed him 
to get dressed. She then directed him to drive to his home, 
where she allegedly forced him to give her a DVD player, 
camera, and phones. On the way to the residence, Rios stabbed 
at “G.A” with the knife, police charged.

While at the man’s home, Rios “observed a bank statement…
and ordered him to the bank.” The victim, who withdrew $500 
from his account, told her he had to go inside the bank and
subsequently escaped and “ran for help at a nearby police station.” 

Rios, who was still in the vehicle when cops arrived, was 
arrested at the scene and booked into the Salt Lake County Jail. 
She remains locked up in lieu of $100,000 bail.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Sylvie
Re: Link Exchange

Dear Webby,
I keep getting mail from people wanting me to exchange 
links with them. They promise that it would include traffic
to my site. Is there any truth to that?
Sylvie

Dear Sylvie
Quite the opposite.
If the search engines catch you linking to those spammers,
then they penalize you and dump your hard earned ranking.

Forget the rethoric and BS of the self styled Search Engine
Optimizers. 99.99% of them are clueless con artists.

The search engines spend very serious money to be relevant,
to show what people are looking for, instead of showing some
irrelevant garbage promoted by search engine "experts"
trying to sneak around the rules.

Just make sure your content is relevant and matches your
site title, and you'll soon rank high in the search engines.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had
been married over 50 years, and they appeared still very
clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over
and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after
all the years you've been married, you still call your wife
those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,
he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard
I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the 
computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always 
have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them 
because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can 
get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it 
really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost 
roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused.

By Joynchocolate

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on
display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze
sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting
and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner,
"and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but
I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store
with the bronze rat under his arm.  As he crosses the
street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from
a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.  Nervously
looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster,
but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats
come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred
rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and
shout.  He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a
trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees
the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and
starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post,
grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat
into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can
heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he
watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats
surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they
drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the
antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,"
says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you
have any bronze politicians!"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While
there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man
claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that
person's age.

The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no
uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a
small boy and the elephant stamped its
foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.
The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not
believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant
to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the
elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was
correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward
the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and
wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him
and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the
wager.

The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned
around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't
believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the
Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped
on him twice.

The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to
his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried,
"Lard, Thunder and Murphy, he's right!...Farty-two!"



   »   Harbin Ice 2012

That joke reminds me of this one:
Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no 
time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England 
society. 

At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy 
Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached 
Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret 
of your soup?" 

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use 
but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." 

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" 

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too 
farty."

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.8 / 108 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !


Today is Friday, January 20
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Margee wrote:
Dear Webby,
Interesting point of view:
"just nostalgic yearning for the past, and pride of being the
only country in the entire Universe"
 
All this time I thought it was just a case
of "if it's not broke, why fix it?"

Regards, Margee  :)

Dear Margee
It IS broke.
With the deterioration of the Education system in the US,
not only kids, but a lot of teachers can't handle the fractions
and wacky conversions necessary in the old British Imperial
system.

The electricians were smart, they accepted the metric 
system without any whining, but most other trades have 
serious problems with today's youth.

Don't expect the current president to endorse the Metric
system, he even vetoed a metric pipeline and 430,000 jobs
donated by Canada, but maybe a year from now, talk
about it may get serious. 

Don't worry about it. It actually is a lot easier, and you'll
kick yourself for putting up with weird and illogical 
meaurements all this time.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
--- Sandie



One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative
Olympics are to have a special selection of Redneck Games, and
they will even have their own ceremonies. They are reported to be
a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is putting up a valiant
fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows:

1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by
the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns
out to be owned by the Governor.

3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at
muskrats and ATF agents.

4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of
gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle
rockets.

8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to
all them extra toes.

9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding.

10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down. The 
dance floor is inclined and has a porch railing.

11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real
bullets, just sos we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners.

12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball


Make wine at home!
The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle
Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know 
The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site 
For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To 
Produce Delicious, Fine Wine.

Never buy wine again and always have that glass
of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better
than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade!
Make and have Wine at home!




Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a
State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and
white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the problem?"

"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off
Route 119."





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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22 in Metal Township, Pennsylvania

Couple Attempt To Blow Up Car With Flaming Tampons

A man and woman stand accused of trying to blow up a car 
by setting fire to tampons which they tried to drop into its gas tank
and also into it's oil filler hole under the hood.

Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22, were arrested 
after a witness reported them damaging the car outside a bar 
in Metal Township, Pennsylvania, earlier this month.

Patricia Deshong also threw a beer bottle through the back 
window of a pick-up and stole it's license plate.

The Deshongs spent a few days behind bars before they each 
posted $25,000 bond to secure their release. 



Tech Support Pits:
From: Duffy
Re: Outside air for the computer

Dear Webby,
Our computer keeps shutting down and restarts with an
error of CPU too hot. I realize that it does not get a lot
of ventilation where it sits, but I could put a duct through 
the wall to the outside. Would the outside air hurt it?
Duffy

Dear Duffy
The outside air won't hurt it at all. Just put a rain guard
on it like you see on dryer vents. Staple some old 
panty-hose or fine mosquito mesh over the hole first, 
before you snap on the dryer vent cap.

On the inside, put the side of the computer with the easily
removable lid, with the lid removed, snug against the hole 
in the wall.

I would also highly recommend that you unplug the computer,
bring it to a counter or high table with good lighting, 
vacuum it out thoroughly and then remove the CPU fan.
You can usually do that without tools, as long as there
is good lighting and you can see the snaps and levers
that hold it down. Under the fan there is a finned heatsink.
Get ready for an ugly sight! Some of the dirt on the heatsink 
you can vacuum off, but it's best to remove it and wash it
with regular dishwashing soap until you see clean aluminum.

Don't skip that step! If you get a "CPU Hot" warning, the 
heat sink is always crusted with dirt.

If you wait too long with cleaning the heat sink after you
get that warning, the machine will die, so better get to
it soon!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,

"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six
months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you
know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a
half years ago."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Removing Gravel From Your Lawn Edge

Getting the stones and gravel out of the edge of your lawn 
which were dumped by highway trucks for ice and snow is a 
tedious job. I found that using a shop vac is much easier and 
faster and does a very nice job. 
By Frances from Bath, PA

http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Three preachers decided to have a joint revival meeting.

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were 
discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great 
for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We 
gained  six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better 
than that!
We got rid of our ten worst trouble makers!"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his
numbers. He said, "Yes, I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?" asked the teacher.

"Four," says little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good
job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "A jack."



   »   Harbin Ice 2012

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through 
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide 
led them through a process of cheese making, explaining 
that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively 
pasture, where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to 
pasture, when they no longer produced. She then asked, 
"What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 96 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, January 19

A number of people wrote me how cold it is in their towns. 
I was amused, again, about the US still frantically clinging
to the OLD British Empire Imperial measurements. 
No independence from the British Empire yet. And they
don't seem to realize, that England has long gone Metric.
Wasn't it about 30 years ago, that the Queen told all her
subjects to "get with it!" ?

Metric is actually quite easy.
Water boils at 100 freezes at 0
and whisky freezes at -40, same aswith the British Imperial
-40.

Weights and dimensions are also easy.
A sugar cube measures a centimeter on each side.
So it is a cubic centimeter.
A cubic centimeter of water weighs one gram.
To raise it's temperature by 1 degree Celsius, 
requires one calorie.
And that's about it. 
All measurements convert to the next size by shifting the 
decimal point. No weird stuff, just move the decimal point.

There is no logical reason against the metric system,
just nostalgic yearning for the past, and pride of being the
only country in the entire Universe, who is still using the
good old Birtish Imperial System.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, 
but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
--- George Bernard Shaw

Television has proved that people will look at anything 
rather than each other.
--- Ann Landers

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
--- Evelyn Waugh



The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students 
included a HUGE amount of material on the midterm exam.

Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping 
aloud as they realized how much material they had covered 
and were expected to recall.

The following week, the professor tossed the graded papers 
on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last 
week, the Lord spoke to me.

He said, 'Thanks, professor.  I haven't heard from some of 
those people in years!"


Make wine at home!
The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle
Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know 
The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site 
For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To 
Produce Delicious, Fine Wine.

Never buy wine again and always have that glass
of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better
than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade!
Make and have Wine at home!




I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to
such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all
the big decisions ... and the woman just makes the
little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not
one big decision!"



Thanks to Dianne for this picture:


Click through for the large version.

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30, in Madison, Wisconsin

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop

That's Mr. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop to you. 
The man with the amazing name was born Jeffrey Drew Wilschke. 
He changed his name in October 2011, but got in trouble with 
Madison, Wisc. police on Jan. 5 when he was arrested for 
possession of a knife, marijuana, and drug paraphernalia.

The unusually named 30-year-old man was in jail Sunday in 
Madison. Police say he violated his bail conditions from a previous 
run-in with the law.
The Capital Times reports that Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was arrested 
last week after residents complained of excessive drinking and 
drug use near Reynolds Park in Madison. Authorities say he was 
arrested in another local park last April after police found a 
loaded handgun in his backpack.

He's tentatively charged with carrying a concealed knife, and 
possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Debbie
Re: garbled emails

Dear Webby,
The humor letter is great Thanks!   
I hope you can give me a little insight as to why I receive 
emails that is full of useless words, just words all garbled 
up.  Is it some kind of code or something?  Some emails 
are the entire thing, some have just a paragraph at the 
end of a letter.
Thanks,
Debby

Dear Debby
Spam is for trashing, not for getting philosophical about.
They are just putting crap in there to try and sneak past 
spam control programs, and then show their phony ads 
as a picture. And quite often they screw up on that too.

Obviously, somebody who uses such a crooked approach 
is a crook, and not worth your time or money.
Just trash their trash, but keep an eye out for anything,
that those emails have in common, then make a filter
for that common element.

Thanks
DearWebby


AD #2


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One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized 
as the original absent-minded professor. 
One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. 
The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." 

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't 
find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, 
said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it." 

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, 
otherwise I won't know where to get off." 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Recycle Plastic Lemons as a Vase

I emptied this little lemon juice container and thought of using 
it for my kitchen counter with a few fresh flowers from the 
yard. I usually have something blooming year round, so 
a bloom or two brightens my day.

Source: On a quest to recycle.

By Great Granny Vi from Moorpark, CA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



Thant reminds me,....
A few years ago, Belinda decided to visit her brother who was
stationed in Germany. She assumed that most Germans would
speak English. But she found that many people spoke only their
native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched her ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making
gestures like a windmill. She simply nodded from time to time to
show him that she was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the
compartment leaned forward and asked if she spoke German.

"No," she confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid
when he told you that you were on the wrong train, going 
in the wrong direction."

--------------------------
Personally, I found last month that the staff on the express trains in
Germany and Austria and Switzerland speaks English quite well 
and are quite eager to show it off. 

However, pretending you understand doesn't get you anywhere. 
You have to let them know what language you want them to use.
Swiss train staff usually speak half a dozen languages fluently.




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In
fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."



   »   Cool Pix

Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector   
at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, a woman was asked   
by a security agent if she had any change in her pockets.   

"Gee," she says, turning towards her husband, I told   
you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here   
expects to be tipped."   

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 108 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, January 18

-32 outside.
I'll plug my car in in the morning and try to start it up at noon.

The news on the lighter side all reported Khadijah Baseer, 31, 
of Los Angeles, offering sex at a McDonalds drive-through
in exchange for a handful of food. Everybody was eager to
make puns and fun of the homeless woman, and eventually
she was reported to the cops, who arrested her.

Nobody gave her a dollar, or even a penny, or shared their food,
even though she was clearly desperate. That is going to come
back on them sooner or later.

Well, at least for now that woman is in jail and getting fed 
for a change. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Old men are fond of giving good advice, 
to console themselves for being no longer in a 
position to give bad examples.  
--- François La Rochefoucauld

If marriage was outlawed,
then only outlaws would have inlaws.
--- Socratex



When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife 
Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had 
hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the 
sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"It certainly wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were two of the
best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel 
while we were on vacation."


Make wine at home!
The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle
Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know 
The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site 
For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To 
Produce Delicious, Fine Wine.

Never buy wine again and always have that glass
of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better
than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade!
Make and have Wine at home!




A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. 
During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy 
her some M & Ms. 

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, 
picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. 

"What did you do that for?" he asked her. 

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied. 





Click through for the large version.

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Janet Knowles, 62, of Jupiter, FL

Woman, upset with 'Judge Judy', attacks man with hammer

JUPITER — A 62-year-old woman was arrested Sunday morning 
after she hit a 65-year-old man on the head with a hammer, police say.

Janet Knowles, of Jupiter, was arrested on a charge of 
aggravated battery using a deadly weapon.

Jupiter Police responded to the defendant's house around 11:30 a.m. 
Sunday after dispatchers received a call of a domestic disturbance.

When police arrived, they interviewed the alleged victim - 
who was not named in the probable cause affidavit - while he 
held bloody paper towels on his head.

The victim told police he was watching "Judge Judy" on 
television while sitting on his recliner, when Knowles got 
"upset with Judge Judy," the affidavit says.
Knowles then hit him in the head with a hammer and the 
victim received a "large cut" to his head and left forearm.

He was treated at the scene by Palm Beach County Fire 
Rescue crews.

Knowles told police she was upset because Judge Judy was on 
television. She became "mad" and then hit the victim on the 
head with the hammer.

Knowles also began talking about a neighbor and what a neighbor 
was wearing, the affidavit says.

Police said Knowles could not hold a conversation with them 
during the investigation.

The affidavit does not say what the relationship between Knowles 
and the victim is or what she was intoxicated with.

Knowles is being held in the Palm Beach County Jail without bond.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Farah
Re: Leaving mail on the server

Dear Webby,
I have to go to the East for four days to a conference and 
asked my ISP if I can read my mail from there but leave 
it on the server till I get back to my home machine. I have 
done that with other ISP's before and they were quite OK 
with it as long as I told them before each trip. This one 
went right hysterical and she threatened to cut me off if I 
get caught doing that.

Have there been any changes regarding mail that I am not
aware of?
Farah

Dear Farah
The only change is that some ISP's hire dumber boneheads
than they used to. Considering how silly that one is, I doubt
that they can even tell if you have checked your mail. All they
can see is the total size of your mailbox.

Most hotel guest machines and cybercafe machines are set
to "leave mail on the server" and not to delete it. Just use 
them like that, and then download and delete the mail off the 
server when you get back home. I would be willing to bet, 
that they won't notice that for those 4 days. 

And with THAT ISP, don't waste your time telling them 
about any trips that you go on.

Thanks
DearWebby


AD #2


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Thanks to Dino for this:
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo   
Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding   
bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big   
surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents,   
a new policy was announced, saying in summary,   

"Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged   
in the riding of a bicycle."   

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Organizing Business Cards
I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like 
beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not 
know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo 
album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the 
cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, 
I note down comments like the hours and days for my 
favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and 
what not to order (good for take outs). 
By Rosario from FL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a   
red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring   
her dog in for a proper fit.   

"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater   
is going to be a surprise!"   




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale,
hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other 
guy answered, there's crazy people in California and they 
have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest 
crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life,
and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, 
go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a 
good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a 
moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to 
death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your 
word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in 
Oakland."



   »   Cacao, the Beginning

A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced.
The wife answered the door. "Come in," she said.
The other couple came in,sat down, then asked,
"Where's John?"

"Oh," replied his wife,"he's in the bathroom, grouting and
spackling."

"Oh, dear," said the other lady, "I had that once and
didn't get over it for two weeks.

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 109 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 17

Thank you, Raymond!

-30 outside.
It's a good thing I don't have to drive to town today, because
I would probably have to plug the car in for half a day to get 
it to start. 

During the previous cold cycle I was in the Yukon, and -30
was no big deal at all, especially after a few weeks of -50.
In the Yukon, though, I winterized vehicles differently, than 
I do here. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
--- Mae West

Spare no expense to save money on this one.
--- Samuel Goldwyn

Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly 
can make us see a thread which is not there.
--- E. H. Gombrich



A couple went  shopping at the mall.
They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours 
later. The husband was at their appointed meeting place at 
the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife.

After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but
couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.

Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a
beautiful lady on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said,
"Please, talk to me! Quick!"

She said, "Why?"

"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this silly mall
and I can't find her," the man replied.

"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have 
absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where 
she is."

"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a
beautiful woman, my wife instantly appears!"


Make wine at home!
The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle
Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know 
The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site 
For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To 
Produce Delicious, Fine Wine.

Never buy wine again and always have that glass
of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better
than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade!
Make and have Wine at home!




A Sunday school teacher asked her students why they had to 
be quiet during the Church service.
One bright little girl replied "Because people are sleeping."





Click through for the large version.

Yes, they have snow fights too!

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Frank Coleman, 37, in Cincinnatti, Ohio

Man robs bank, hails cab then calls 911 to turn himself in

CINCINNATI - A man is in custody after he robbed a downtown 
Cincinnati bank, got into a cab then called 911 to turn himself in 
Friday afternoon.

Police say a man handed a note to a teller demanding money. 
The suspect, later identified as Frank Coleman, fled from the bank 
with about $2,000 in cash then got into a cab on Main Street, 
according to police. He did not show a weapon during the robbery.

At 2:30 p.m., Coleman called 911 from the Convention Place Mall 
on Elm Street saying he robbed a bank and wanted to turn himself in, 
according to police. He was taken into custody a short timer later.

Coleman appeared in court Saturday morning for an arraignment. 
His next court date is Jan. 23.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: fake XP-2012 Security Update 

Dear Webby,
Over hundred of my readers fell for this fake update, what
appeared to be a security update from microslop for xp 2012.
It actually is a very nasty virus.

There is a remover at REMOVE" target="_blank" >http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/virus-r ... >REMOVE 2012SECURITY VIRUS 
That worked for them to remove that name changing virus.
Dianne

Dear Dianne
I guess McAfee protected me from seeing that attack, 
but those readers, who don't have McAfee will benefit from
your tip.

Thanks
DearWebby


AD #2


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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





Thanks to Patricia for this one:
As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a 
deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary 
clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get 
the communal car filled up. 

After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked 
toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear 
from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind. 

The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the 
convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card. 

"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you 
pronounce your husband's middle name?" 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Organizing Business Cards
I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like 
beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not 
know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo 
album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the 
cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, 
I note down comments like the hours and days for my 
favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and 
what not to order (good for take outs). 
By Rosario from FL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said,   
"This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"   

The southern belle replied, "Mah lands! What do y'all walk on?"   




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog   
on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet   
into the building, a bank official answered, 

"Yes, sure, provided he doesn't make a deposit or leave
any p-mail."   



   »   Fisheye View

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would
behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?
Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 134 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, January 16

-23 and snowing. No Gullible warming here either.
Well, at least the level of the roads is not dropping like the
level of the oceans. Could be quite a nuisance driving, 
if the potholes became potbumps.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.
--- Edna Buchanan

Every great advance in natural knowledge has 
involved the absolute rejection of authority.
--- Thomas H. Huxley

It is dangerous for a national candidate to 
say things that people might remember.
--- Eugene McCarthy
--------------
not any more.



One time while in the Millington, Tennesee Naval Air 
Station, there was a fearsome thunderstorm which 
knocked out the electricity in the Navy Exchange.  
This killed the cash registers, naturally, but the Navy 
always has a backup.

The emergency intercom came on, and a loud female 
voice announced,
"CASHIERS TAKE YOUR CRANKS OUT OF YOUR 
DRAWERS!"

As if that alone was not funny enough, the cash register
drawers, which had the little manual cranks inside them,
needed electricity, OR those little cranks to open them.


Make wine at home!
The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle
Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know 
The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site 
For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To 
Produce Delicious, Fine Wine.

Never buy wine again and always have that glass
of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better
than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade!
Make and have Wine at home!




"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and 
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into 
Heaven?" the RevI asked the children in Sunday School 
class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and 
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into 
Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all 
the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into 
Heaven?" he asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"





Click through for the large version.

S
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

William Francis Blankenship, in Knox, Indiana

Handcuffed man steals town's only police car

A handcuffed drug suspect who stole a police cruiser containing 
loaded guns then wrecked and abandoned the car has been arrested 
in northwest Indiana.

William Francis Blankenship stole the car Tuesday evening in Kouts, 
Porter County, and subsequently used the police radio to ask where 
to find the car's cigarette lighter — and the keys to unlock himself, 
police said.

“There was a conversation between him and one of our officers,” 
Porter County Sheriff's Sgt. Larry LaFlower said. Police didn't 
tell Blankenship, 22, how to remove the handcuffs, LaFlower said.

Police found the town cruiser Wednesday morning “wrecked and 
submerged in water” in nearby LaPorte County, and Blankenship 
was no longer with the vehicle, he said.

LaFlower did not say if loaded weapons that had been left in the 
vehicle were still there when the wreck was discovered. Earlier, 
police had said Blankenship should be considered armed and 
dangerous.

The sole police officer on duty arrested Blankenship on drug 
charges Tuesday evening in Kouts, a small Indiana town 
about 50 miles southeast of Chicago. The suspect somehow 
managed to escape from the back of the car, climb in the 
front and drive it away, police said.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Diana
Re: Printer ink returns

Dear Webby,
Our HP multifunction printer died. Yes, I know, you warned
me about those. I learned my lesson, and won't have another
one of those, but now we are stuck with a stack of ink 
cartridges, that we had bought at Walmart. Will anybody 
accept those?
Diana

Dear Diana
Your landfill probably will, but I doubt anybody else will
want to even talk about those.

If you had bought the ink from Atlantic Inkjet, they take
surplus ink back without any argument and send you ink
for your new printer or issue a credit. Before I switched 
to a long lasting laser printer, the same thing happened 
to me about once a year. Never any argument or question
about it from Atlantic Inkjet.

Naturally, the cartridges have to be reasonably fresh and
from a recent order, not some, that have been gathering 
dust and drying out on a shelf for a few years.

Especially if you choose to get a short-lived inkjet printer,
get acquainted with Atlantic Inkjet. Their ink and toner is
top quality,and they are a pleasure to deal with.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





A college graduate applied for a job at the Central 
Intelligence Agency. 

Together with several other applicants, he was given a 
sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. 

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into 
an empty hallway and opened the packet. 

Inside, a message read: 
"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor." 

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Keeping Track of Email Coupons

This suggestion is about coupons you receive from restaurants 
or grocery stores by email. To keep better track of which to use 
first due to expiration dates, I forward them to my email address 
with the name of the restaurant and the expiration date in the 
subject bar. All I have to do is scan the list instead of opening up 
all of those emails.

My new subject bar will look something like this: "Sweet Tomatoes, 
exp. June 6". It is much easier to keep track of coupons this way 
and I don't waste paper and ink printing out the coupons, only to 
not use them.

By Cookwie from Richardson, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:



The little boy came home from school, excitedly telling his
father, "Daddy! Daddy! I'm going to be in the school play!"

The father said "That's great!", what part are you going to play?"
"I'm going to play a husband!"
"A husband!", the father exclaimed, "son, you march right back
down to that school and tell them you want a speaking part!"




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Overheard at a Computer Store: 

"I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, 
but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too." 



   »   The Calicos

Negotiations between union members and their employer were 
at an impasse.  The union denied that their workers were 
flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. 

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief 
negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, 
"This man," he announced, "called in SICK yesterday!" 
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill 
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an 
excellent score. 

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. 
"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have 
had if he hadn't been sick!" 

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 121 )

---

   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, January 15

People are speculating about the cause of that cruise ship
accident. Was it lower ocean levels? Did they hit a sunk
Italian war ship? There are plenty of them in that area!
Did trying to beach the damaged ship on the rocky shore 
make things worse?

We may get answers some day.
What would be interesting to find out, is why the emergency
lighting system did not work?

Once upon a time long, long ago I tried patenting exit lights,
that had the inner back side covered with zinc oxide, so that
when there was a power failure, they would emit a yellowish-
greenish light for an hour or more, without requiring any 
electricity. That didn't go anywhre. "Exit lights are red, not green,
ya silly young punk!"

Unless the reports are wild exaggerations, those people would
have appreciated a yellowish-greenish light over darkness.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!



Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people 
who can't make up their own minds.
--- Seth Hoffman

Children seldom misquote you. 
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you 
shouldn't have said while they were around.
--- Socratex

Hindsight is an exact science,
except when it comes to autobiographies.
--- Socratex



A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the
zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo.

A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a hundred and fifty feet,
unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."


Make wine at home!
The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle
Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know 
The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site 
For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To 
Produce Delicious, Fine Wine.

Never buy wine again and always have that glass
of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better
than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade!
Make and have Wine at home!




A famous art collector is walking through the city
when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a
saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take. He recognizes that the saucer is
extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually
into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat
around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty
dollars for that cat."

And the owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The
cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a
dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight stray
cats."





Click through for the large version.

S
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!



An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to

Paul M Brock, 39 in Frankfort, Indiana

Drunk car thief threatens to eat cops and their dogs

Seven criminal charges were filed in Tippecanoe County on 
Wednesday against a Frankfort man accused of stealing a car 
and issuing a threat to eat the arresting officers, their K-9s and 
their children.

Paul M. Brock, 39, was charged with two counts of auto theft, 
resisting law enforcement, intimidation, operating a vehicle with 
a blood-alcohol content of 0.15 percent or more and striking a 
law enforcement animal.

Police arrested Brock on Friday night after being called to a 
reported auto theft at the Speedway Gas Station on Elmwood 
Avenue about 10:03 p.m. Witnesses told police that a man 
matching Brock's description got into a vehicle that was not his 
and drove off.

The owner of the vehicle said she left her car unlocked and on 
because she was warming it up.

Police caught up with Brock after he was spotted pulling into the 
parking lot of the Pay Less on Maple Point Drive.

Officers used K-9 units to subdue Brock once he exited the vehicle, 
and Brock kicked one police dog in the head twice during his arrest. 
Police determined that Brock was intoxicated, and a blood test later 
showed that he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.26 percent.

When Brock was taken to the hospital for medical clearance, he 
reportedly told police he would hunt them down and eat them, 
their dogs and their entire families.

He also demanded to be let out of his handcuffs so he could 
assault police officers. 

After leaving the hospital, Brock was booked into the Tippecanoe 
County Jail. He remained incarcerated Wednesday night on a 
$25,000 surety bond.



Tech Support Pits:
From: Fran
Re: Spiral lights for outside

Dear Webby,
Can those Chinese pigtail lights be used outside? They are
marked for Indoors only, but I can't see any reason for that at all.
Is that just the usual rip-off?
Fran

Dear Fran
Yes, it is.
The same as any lights, they don't take kindly to cold water
dripping onto hot glass. As long as you have something, even
a piece of tin or plastic shielding rain and snow from falling
directly onto them, they are good for a few years. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


AD #2


If you can help with the  cost of the

Humor Letter, please donate what you can!





The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all 
his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their 
ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied

"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he mumbled as he wrote on his form.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Keeping Track of Email Coupons

This suggestion is about coupons you receive from restaurants 
or grocery stores by email. To keep better track of which to use 
first due to expiration dates, I forward them to my email address 
with the name of the restaurant and the expiration date in the 
subject bar. All I have to do is scan the list instead of opening up 
all of those emails.

My new subject bar will look something like this: "Sweet Tomatoes, 
exp. June 6". It is much easier to keep track of coupons this way 
and I don't waste paper and ink printing out the coupons, only to 
not use them.

By Cookwie from Richardson, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/

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Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than 
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then 
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Here is an annual favorite:
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at 
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys 
in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back 
to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. 
What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, 
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can 
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted 
to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells 
St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's 
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. 
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."




Ophelia Dingbatter's News


No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. 
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. 


Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room
suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the
salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can
afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down
payment... then you don't make another payment 
for six months."

Gladys turned on him with her hands on her hips and
demanded,  "Who told you about us!?"



   »   PotPourri Photos

Kathy's wedding turned out to be a real family reuinion.
Even her weird cousin Sean from San Francisco showed up.
There were too many people to fit into the little church, and 
since was snowing and raining and blowing quite 
ferociously, a last minute decision was made to hold the 
ceremony in the undergound parkade across the street.

A priest was ready in his ornate surplice and cassock 
ready to proceed the march into the parkade and begin
the ceremony. He was carrying a briefcase with his book 
and paraphenalia and he was swinging the incense pot 
which had smoke coming from it.

Sean was seen sidling up to the priest and saying:
"Darling, I love your dress, but did you know that your 
purse is on fire!"

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